Coping with the Heartbreak of Parent-Child Estrangement: Finding a Path Back

Whenever one of my patients reflects on her daughter, she reminisces about spending time together in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit for those challenging first five weeks following childbirth, fervently hoping her child would make it through. She also cherishes their trips visiting various colleges and subsequently assisting her as they settled into the dormitory. Additionally, she fondly recounts their journey across Europe not too long ago when both were amused by their clumsy efforts to seek directions in French.

With tears welling up, she shares these recollections as she explains the shock she felt upon hearing from her daughter that she didn’t want her in her life anymore.

Her 25-year-old daughter mentioned that during therapy, she found out her mother had been "emotionally abusive" when she was younger, which negatively impacted her mental well-being whenever they were together. “I’m so bewildered,” my patient expressed as she grabbed a box of tissues. “We used to share such a strong bond. I dedicated all myself to that child.”

Reports of abuse or neglect are common In adult children deciding to cease communication with a parent, many mothers and fathers feel bewildered and wounded by such views. Similar to my patient, numerous parents struggle to understand these feelings.

The heart of this parental bewilderment lies in a gap between generations regarding what they believe causes psychological damage.

This difference occurs partly due to the threshold for what gets labeled abusive, traumatizing, harmful or neglectful has been both lowered and expanded over the past three decades. From this perspective, adult children view childhood and parenting with a far more analytical and critical eye than the generations before them.

Their evaluation of the parent and history is supported by innumerous online sources providing details or misleading information about individuals being toxic, narcissistic, or having borderline traits, along with reasons why distancing yourself from them could be beneficial. This advice particularly resonates with younger audiences. more prone to seeking therapy That makes them more confident and authoritative about their opinions compared to their parents.

Children tend to be more prone to severing relationships

Occasionally, parents are the ones who start the estrangement, studies Indicate that it is usually their children who end these relationships. From the parent's viewpoint, there is nothing positive about being distanced; instead, they experience only embarrassment, grief, remorse, and anxiety. Conversely, for the adult child, this separation provides a chance to exhibit increased control and independence within the dynamic between them and their parent, establish restrictions against harmful actions, articulate elements of their personal identity like sexual orientation or gender expression, or assert firmer separations.

Discussions may turn unfavorable due to such differing perspectives.

I frequently observe parents finding it challenging to adapt to what seems like a dramatic shift in modern times with the perceived decline. expectations Of family responsibilities. Contemporary adult offspring possess significantly greater authority to define the nature of their relationships compared to previous generations, where "Honor thy mother and thy father" and "Show respect for your seniors" were paramount. Considering this comparatively recent dynamic, no obligation forces an adult child into maintaining a connection with their parent unless they choose to stay in touch out of personal inclination.

This indicates that parents need to be more psychological And they actively work to sustain their bond with their adult offspring if a strong relationship is desired.

Make amends

As a licensed psychologist who also researches I have discovered that one of the key factors in achieving reconciliation is the parents' capacity to apologize to their grown children. Many parents find this suggestion perplexing, thinking that offering an apology means fully agreeing with their offspring’s viewpoint. Although endorsement may occasionally be necessary, apologies generally serve as a foundation—a candid acknowledgment that significant issues within the parental bond require attention and resolution.

In my practice, some divorced parents struggle with being excluded from their child’s life via cellphones or social media. This leaves many feeling lost and scared, unsure about the whereabouts of their children or grandchildren—possibly severed permanently—from the familial traditions that once defined their existence and provided them with significance.

If they can reach out to their child, I suggest advising them to pen a letter saying, "I realize you wouldn't have severed communication unless you believed it was best for your well-being." This statement holds validity from the viewpoint of an adult child—even if it may not align with the parent's perspective—and serves as evidence of the parent's desire to comprehend and bridge the gap between them.

As with some of the parents in my practice, my patient wasn't fond of that suggestion: "I'm certainly not asking for pardon when I haven't done anything incorrect," she said to me. "I would've died to experience a childhood similar to hers, and now I should say sorry just to be reunited with her? Frankly, I am clueless as to what she means."

Ask questions

If you're unsure, seek clarification.

It's evident that I had unrecognized gaps as a parent, which led you to see me as abusive. gaslighting , boundary crossing, narcissistic ") but I'm glad you're informing me." Inquire if other recollections or events prompted your child to reach that conclusion. Pose this question not to justify yourself or dismiss their concerns, but to demonstrate understanding. empathy and enhance your comprehension of your child.

However, I grasp my patient's hesitance. Though many believe that an adult offspring would only cease communication with a parent due to severe misconduct, this isn't always true. Often, the disconnection starts within the child themselves. This could be because the child struggles with addiction or mental health issues; perhaps one parent estranges them following a separation; maybe their partner pressures them into choosing between family and marriage; or possibly they follow advice from an inexperienced counselor or popular online figure who insists that parental trauma causes all adult distress.

Unfortunately, there are numerous ways people can become alienated from each other, and in our current society which is divided into various groups, even minor issues can lead to such detachment.

Yet, even if the cause of the estrangement lies more in the child than the parent, amends are still necessary from the parent to begin a conversation of repair. You don’t have to agree with your child to make amends. It’s about humility, not humiliation. While I don’t presume that a child’s perspective on their parent is accurate, I also don’t assume that a parent’s perspective on their child is either. We all have our blind spots.

Not all children react positively—or at all—to a letter of apology. In this case, though, my patient’s daughter responded favorably; she thanked her father for his honesty and agreed to attend therapy sessions together to mend their bond. Despite this progress, my patient remains concerned about potential future issues. Maybe they’ll arise, but perhaps not. Ultimately, what each parent should strive for is using such separation or reunion as a chance to gain deeper insights into their child’s perspective and the factors that contributed to the distancing between them.

The cultural anthropologist Mary Catherine Bateson wrote Marriage requires an ongoing process of adjustment as two changing individuals grow together. This dynamic also applies to the relationship between parents and their children.

Children can change dramatically over the course of their lives, but so can a parent. There will inevitably be aspects that the other finds challenging or difficult. In family, our task is to ensure that love and support remain the guiding principles; to find ways to communicate that foster closeness and reduce hurt; and to hope for patience — theirs and ours —­ as we navigate these new and uncharted territories of parent-adult child relationships.

Joshua Coleman, PhD, is a clinical psychologist based in the Bay Area and serves as a senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families. His latest publication is “ Guidelines for Distance: Why Adult Offspring Sever Bonds and Ways to Mend the Dispute .”

We invite your feedback on this column at OnYourMind@washpost.com .