From Loneliness to Reinvention: My Midlife Reboot at 50

"Are you heading out again?" I questioned Rob, who was once more packing for a getaway with his friends, this being his third such excursion in just one month.

Just for a limited time.

I could feel his joy at being free from constraints. While he planned to hit the slopes for some skiing, I stayed behind to look after the dogs and have solitary "girl dinners." It bothered me that I wasn't embarking on exciting escapades like before. I couldn't allow myself to explore my interests, largely due to not knowing where to start. The question remained: how does one discover new pursuits once their children leave the nest?

In 2018, when I hit 50, I found myself grappling with depression and completely out of touch with any positive feelings about my physical self. Post-open heart surgery recovery, facing an impending menopause, and experiencing a loss of direction added to my struggles. Over the years, I'd prioritized my husband Rob and our combined family over pursuing my cherished writing aspirations, yet during solitary times, this choice made me feel hollow inside. Despite being deeply thankful for having a partner who could meet our financial requirements, I sensed a void within my individual growth journey. To cope with these feelings, I would turn to excessive eating or retail therapy; however, neither provided lasting satisfaction and only exacerbated my distress.

As my daughter stepped into high school and embraced greater independence, along with Rob’s children having moved out (since this was our second round as parents together), I found myself pondering about what lay ahead. It suddenly felt as though the established social networks that I relied upon during my thirties and forties were fading away in middle age. Participating as a volunteer at her school became obsolete, and the parent circles we once belonged to had dispersed over time. She required far less involvement from me—she divided her time between home and her father's place. This realization made me recognize one aspect: I was experiencing feelings of solitude.

It’s well known that Isolation may elevate the chances of developing heart disease, dementia, stroke, anxiety, and depression. In elderly individuals, however, its adverse impacts are not solely confined to them. The Surgeon General announced l Loneliness became a nationwide epidemic last year. However, particularly for older generations, r esearch shows That friendships play a crucial role in slowing down cognitive decline and offer numerous additional health advantages.

I wasn’t certain about where to begin since it seemed like numerous changes were occurring simultaneously, yet I understood that marriage didn't automatically alleviate feelings of isolation. Our relationship dynamics started evolving as we aged. Rob was someone who excelled both professionally and personally, always giving his all whether working or playing, whereas I found myself grappling with establishing stability as a freelance writer. In earlier years, it felt instinctive to focus on meeting his demands as he took on the role of primary earner. However, this became more challenging when I reached my later forties.

To an extent, I hampered my personal growth so that our marriage could thrive. I opted against seeking opportunities that were potentially more taxing or required significant travel, as they would keep me away from home. At the time, these decisions seemed appropriate; however, they left me without financial independence. During therapy sessions for couples, our therapist advised me, “This imbalance needs addressing. Occasionally, you must drift apart to ultimately come back closer.”

Therefore, I took action and initiated my personal midlife restart.

Midlife exists at the crossroads where your previous life path meets your future direction. Recently, women have started reshaping the story surrounding menopause, viewing it as a form of returning to one’s true self. This period presents an advantage: It allows for reinvention and the possibility of mapping out a fresh journey ahead. Despite facing bodily changes, unpredictable hormone levels, and bouts of solitude, I resolved to transform my circumstances into something better—though exactly how remained unclear.

I needed to come to terms with my body and gain a deeper understanding of its requirements. Prescribing myself more time outdoors—taking walks became crucial for my emotional well-being, particularly amid the pandemic. To achieve optimal wellness, I started closely monitoring my hormonal fluctuations and searched for a gynecologist who specialized in issues affecting women past their childbearing years. This turned out to be tougher than expected since menopause affects half of all people. Back then, as I transitioned into perimenopause, online platforms lacked support groups for women dealing with this stage. Due to societal taboos surrounding perimenopause, admitting struggles wasn’t something anyone did openly, especially not in Los Angeles! Thus, learning self-advocacy skills and experimenting personally were necessary steps toward managing my symptoms effectively. frustrating voyage but I gained a lot of knowledge.

To meet other women around my age, I started going alone to events like book readings, craft workshops, or even menopause seminars. This way, I'd have no choice but to face my social unease head-on and engage with others. Listening about everyone else's activities has been quite enjoyable, and many share an enthusiasm for pursuing artistic hobbies as well. For instance, one acquaintance recently reignited her passion for playing the piano, while another dedicates much of her spare time to painting.

Occasionally, reviving an old pastime isn’t quite so straightforward. A girlfriend of mine in her sixties admitted, "After dedicating so much time to taking care of my family, I finally have some free moments for myself—I simply don't know how to fill them." Another acquaintance mentioned that about two years prior to retiring, she began keeping a journal where she jotted down anything that caught her interest. Upon retiring, she embarked on tackling that list item by item. These discussions made me realize that, contrary to societal expectations, the senior ladies present are frequently among the most fascinating individuals around.

Imagination played a crucial role in my restart, yet I aimed to dedicate my efforts to a more significant cause as well. Research has shown this to be true. b beginning of service or volunteer work It can serve as a crucial step towards achieving joy and contentment. Following my encounter with an injured sea lion on a Malibu shoreline, I connected with Heather Henderson, who manages the marine programs for the California Wildlife Center located in Calabasos. Soon after, I started volunteering within their marine mammal rescue unit. This center focuses on saving and rehabilitating both sea lions and young elephant seals. These pups often come in underweight and lacking proper nutrition; they get the necessary care and treatments before being returned to nature.

"It isn’t fancy work; you may not enjoy it," one of the volunteers cautioned me at first. He was correct; part of it is It can be really disgusting. However, you often discover your true capabilities only under challenging circumstances. The facility has plenty of cleaning tools, like cutting up frozen fish for fish smoothies and scrubbing slippery sea lion droppings from the enclosures. Finding fish scales lodged in my sports bra is becoming commonplace these days. Yet, I've realized that certain routine tasks can actually be quite soothing and help ground me in the moment. When tasked with feeding a young elephant seal by hand, all concerns over my mother’s deteriorating health and other urgent matters fade away.

I was astonished to discover that numerous other volunteers were also of middle age.

Henderson stated, “There’s a prevalent misunderstanding that youth is essential for success due to the physically demanding character of this work.” According to her estimations, around 35% of the current rescue and rehabilitation team members are over 45 years old.

It has been gratifying to realize that I continue to be significant and essential outside of just meeting my family's needs," volunteer Debra Loggia shared with me. She believes she might be among the eldest volunteers at CWC at age 64, yet she finds great satisfaction in being one of the most resilient ones. Her sentiment resonates with me; having spent six seasons engaged in this endeavor, it has instilled in me newfound self-assurance along with a stronger sense of purpose and belonging.

Today, after six years of this fresh start, my emotional state has transformed entirely. My reliance on external factors has significantly decreased. By pinpointing what truly appeals to me, broadening my social circle, and seeking out novel career prospects, I have essentially delegated my well-being to these pursuits.

Free from the burden of expectations, our partnership has flourished. I find myself more involved with my current activities. During volunteering sessions, I return home brimming with tales about bottle-feeding seal pups. As workload has increased—since I'm simultaneously working on a novel and a script—I occasionally need to focus on meeting these deadlines, despite the inconvenience. Throughout this period, Rob has remained very understanding, mainly due to how much more enjoyable I've become. Overcoming prolonged feelings of emptiness and confronting my anxieties transformed this midlife crisis into a vibrant rebirth.

It isn’t always flawless. I sometimes feel isolated and experience days filled with sadness, or moments where I must reduce my standards. There’s an inherent wistfulness associated with getting older that I cannot just discard. However, this no longer overwhelms me — I continue to astonish myself.

"Você está me deixando," disse Rob ao me ver arrumando minha mala para uma curta viagem com uma amiga.

It will only be for two nights," I stated. "I should be back before you realize.

“He’ll still miss you,” he said. And I trusted his word.

Tara Ellison focuses her writing on relationships along with the hurdles and victories encountered during midlife. She is presently engaged in composing a memoir.

This tale initially surfaced in Los Angeles Times .