Parents Who Raise Confident, Successful Adults Avoid This 2-Word Phrase, Says Ivy League Psychologist

When your child scores well on an exam, you might say “Well done!” However, these seemingly simple words could have unintended consequences, according to a child psychologist. Becky Kennedy .

"If you don't include a more detailed compliment afterwards, 'good job' can shut down dialogue," Kennedy stated during the conversation. podcast episode From "The Tim Ferriss Show" episode that aired last month, she suggested asking follow-up questions to demonstrate that your praise is genuine. Additionally, emphasize the positive behaviors you wish for them to develop further.

The concept is aimed at assisting build their confidence And stop them from depending on outside approval, which can help them achieve greater success in the future, according to Kennedy, who holds a PhD in clinical psychology from Columbia University and presents the "Good Inside" parenting podcast.

"In such instances, our primary aim as parents tends to be strengthening our child's self-assurance. We often focus on this objective," stated Kennedy.

To make things clear, Kennedy stated that saying “good job” isn’t inherently damaging. However, when your school-age child shows off a research paper they’re pleased with, posing detailed queries and expressing sincere curiosity will probably boost their self-assurance more effectively than simply using those two words, regardless of whether you utter them or not, as she pointed out.

As a mother of three children, Kennedy confessed that the suggestion might seem bothersome initially... "[However], anything that encourages your child to open up more about themselves ultimately feels better for the child," she explained.

Why targeted compliments can help children grow into more assured and accomplished individuals

Targeted compliments assist children in building internal self-efficacy. This indicates that individuals will have confidence in their capabilities and are more inclined to push themselves when striving towards their objectives, as noted by developmental psychologist and author Aliza Pressman in an article published on May 18, 2024, for Make It Last.

Similar to Kennedy, Pressman concurred that parents shouldn’t entirely remove the expression “good job” from their lexicon; however, they should ensure it’s consistently accompanied by detailed positive feedback.

"As we say 'Well done!', it must be genuine and detailed. Acknowledge children’s actual efforts, perseverance, ingenuity, self-reliance, and capability whenever you notice them," Pressman noted.

According to Kennedy, teaching children how to self-validate—learning to acknowledge their own worth rather than seeking validation from others—is one of the crucial foundational abilities they must acquire to ultimately thrive as adults.

Kids who grow up relying on the outside world for validation can be "very empty and very fragile [and] very, very anxious," Kennedy said. "What's really helpful down the road is when you produce something — maybe it's art, maybe it's a [work] project — and being able to give yourself some estimation of that before others do is very helpful to your whole self-concept and protective of anxiety and depression."

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